A momentary lapse

As I write this, I’m curled up in front of ‘Modern Family’ with a hot water bottle and anxiously/tiredly eating apple and rasin weetabix alonside a huge mug of tea (the weetabix are nice I swear). I’ve just finished making plans for the coming weeks and researching courses that I could do alongside working and I’ve had a panic attack, feelings are of the terrified and overwhelmed verity today. Whenever everything is just far too much, I drown it out with Modern Family and tea. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it’s the only thing I can do. I spend a huge (secretly hidden) amount of time tearful, anxious, shaking, sick, binging and exhausted. You don’t get days off from mental illness, and it 100% has NO respect for your plans, dreams, or general need to function as a human being.

Me: I actually feel like things might maybe be okay today, I don’t care-
Depression: SUPRISE BITCHHHHHH! YOU DO CARE! I’M HERE!

As I write this post, my heart and soul pushing me to type each word, my eyes keep leaking. I feel ridiculous. I have everything that a 26 year old girl could possibly want. I have a wonderful job, doting boyfriend, fantastic friends and of course, a family that drives me utterly crazy but I wouldn’t change a single one of them for all the wonders of the world. It breaks my heart that, despite having every reason to feel blissfully, irrevocably happy, (and I do, for the most part!) I allow the tiny and irrelevant problems that we all face in life to control and consume me. I worry about everything.

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Yep, this is me ^.

It hurts, it’s incredibly overwhelming and tiring and sometimes it’s just hard to explain why exactly I’m scared and worried and….anxious. My thought processes make no sense, they’re full of what ifs and possibilities for disaster. So can you see why after doing something as small as going shopping makes me want to crawl into bad afterwards if my head is on full anxiety mode all day everyday?

Yet if there’s one thing I have learned this year, it is that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, life throws horrible things in our direction, but I have come to realise that those horrible things are what define our character. How we deal with those things tells us who we are, and while I’m currently having a little stress/change fuled breakdown I know that I can and will be strong enough to come through it. After food and Modern Family and hiding for a while!

Love and relaxation! Until my next post, see you online. Charlotte x

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