Yesterday, and honestly most of today I felt discouraged. Like, really discouraged. The kind where I start to question my capabilities and my worth to people. My anxiety voices whispering, “You’re never going to be good enough. You’re a loser. You’re not what they want.”
While there’s a big part of me that wants to retreat and be all by myself in my misery, there’s also another part of me that desperately wants to hear other voices besides my own.
I want to reach out and say to my friends: I need you to remind me that I’m not the loser that I feel like I am. But the very thought has been followed by a dozen reasons why doing that is stupid:
“Don’t bother them– they’re all doing important things right now. They are so busy!”
“Do you really want to look needy, whiny to them?”
“You’d basically just be fishing for compliments anyhow, how lame is that?”
“Your obviously not important enough for them to message, so why impose yourself?”
There’s a logical part of my brain that sees that by wanting to avoid “inconveniencing” others, I’m also avoiding them having the chance to help me and get to know me and care. Why do we all feel like we have to go through life alone when all the research (and our own experience!) reinforces that we’re happier and healthier when we feel seen and supported? Why do we think being needy has to be hidden?
The answer hit me pretty hard in the face. Because there are some people in the world who, even when unintentionally, just don’t want to hear about problems that aren’t their own. People who don’t want to waste THEIR time checking on you.
Is it possible that even people with no harmful intentions can “use” you? I feel that they can, that people have it within them to use others in a “fly-by-friendship” type of way.
But is it right? Is it okay to be in someone’s life for a short time and get them to like you, like talking to you and feeling connected and then just go quiet on them? Do these “fly-by-friendship” people realise that they can actually induce self-doubt?
I had an experience of a ‘fly-by-friendship’ recently and safe to say it left me feeling sort of bad, I mean it’s something easily gotten over but for a short time I felt….not good enough. I started thinking that maybe I wasn’t someone they WANTED me to be, despite their kind words. I found myself questioning something that had only lasted a few days!
Are they busy with people that they like more than me? Of course they are, to them I’m a stranger at the other end of a phone number. I’m not real to them. BUT I AM.
I’m sorry but I’m a person, someone who gets attached to those that take time to insert themselves into my life! It kinda hurts a little, confuses me and slightly pisses me off when someone just up and vanishes as if I wasn’t worth the time anymore.
So I decided now would be the time to message some friends. The people who I knew would be there for me and go against all the thoughts and feelings that had been screaming at me.
The messages I got back made me laugh, produced a tear when I felt seen, helped me feel how I loved I am, and reminded me that I wasn’t alone. At the end of the day we all felt more supported. So, with that being said I’m off to spend some time with these friends of mine. Until my next post, see you all online. Charlotte x