My Paper Town : Walking through Water

Do you know what it feels like to move through water? To be walking, waist deep, through a seemingly endless stretch of blue with the shore barely in sight….

It feels as if everything is in slow motion. Taking longer than it should, the things that once weighed lightly on you are now sodden and soaked through and feel heavy. Weighing you down even more and making your movements even slower. That’s what my anxiety and mental health issues almost constantly feels like, and I hate the way it makes me think and feel and act.

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I cling to people as much as I can, in truth sometimes I just need someone to stop me from drowning but very few people stop and help or let you cling to them. In truth nobody should ever feel like they HAVE to stick around and put up with me and the way my mental health makes me act but it’s these people whom leave or detach that make me feel as if I don’t deserve to be helped or saved. That I’m only a bother when I’m reaching out for someone to cling to.

Do you know what that feels like? To be given the feeling that your not worth the effort, important enough or been placed on the back burner till you can be bothered with? Not worth the time to be saved? It hurts, in truth it feels like a hot ache in your chest. You’ve been wading through water for so long keeping yourself afloat and someone you ask for help just decides to leave you there. But you can’t yell at them, you can’t scare them off because there’s a miniscule chance that they could turn back and help. So you keep moving, with that burning in your chest from being ignored and your body tired from moving through the water.

Worse are the people who pull you towards the shore and then start drifting away from you. Scared or fed up of helping you and not seeing that once you reach the shore…..you’ll be together and happy and closer and stronger. I understand that clinging to people is what will make them leave, but what else can you do when your tired of wading through the water on your own?

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Walking through that deep water with little to no help can be incredibly lonely at times. When it’s quiet and just me I’m guilty of overthinking, it’s like my brain won’t shut off so that I have somethinf to keep me going and keep myself afloat.

Most days I crave the people who, in my life, give me that peace from overthinking. People whom everything is just out in the open and they don’t get mad at me for expecting the worst of things. Because it’s not me that has these thoughts, my mental illness creates them. I can only say sorry and ride out the waves the issues my overthinking causes.

Right now, personally I’m walking through water. Trying to figure some things out, some people helping and others ignoring my need to talk to them. I’m slowly earning that with some people, if they don’t care to talk and help then that means they’re okay with letting you drown. Those people, don’t deserve you when you finally reach the shore. They will miss out on the happier, safer and stronger person you are when you reach it.

After a long nap of course because walking though water…..what a way to tire yourself out!

Until my next post, see you online! Charlotte x

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